Dreams...

There were the times when we were still in kindergarten... The teacher would ask, in what I would describe now as a moronic tone: (sorry teacher... haha)

"Boys and Girls, tell teacher what you would want to do or be when you grew up..."

If my memory did not fail me that badly, I remember the whole class pushing and shoving (Ok we're not really THAT enthusiastic, but you know, kids being kids...) to answer that question. Most would have answers ready:

"I want to be doctor because I can heal people from illness!"

"I want to be a cook so I can cook for people to eat!"

"I want to be a soldier because I carry guns and can defend my country!"

These replies, albeit a bit childish, shows that we ARE capable of having dreams, and are not afraid to express it. The idea of wanting to become a doctor at that time is very simple: to heal, as for a cook, to whip-up a meal for all to enjoy. Though naive in thinking, it shows the positive thinking of kids; to contribute to a greater good, and of course the realisation of ones dreams. At least that's what I think.

Growing up, perhaps due to influences from our elders, peers, or perhaps from the environment we live in, the innocences and dreams that we once remember had became nothing more then just a memory. Perhaps it is a unique culture that we had; We have been instilled with the mentality since young that to achieve what we want to do we must first have a qualification to secure "our" future. Note that I used quotation marks for "our". Is it really OUR future, and not something that someone else want for you?

I do agree that adults would always want the best for their children, it is often said among Chinese that most parents would want their childrens to be the "Dragons & Pheonixes" amongst Man. However did it occur to these parents that in that particular process of moulding their children they may unknowingly killed their dreams and twisted their children's thinkings, and cause them to become materialistic and mercenary, or even worse, giving up on hope.

It doesn't help that the moulding process left out one very important aspect: Characteristics and Mentality developement.

Ask anyone from my generation: "What do you plan to do when you finish your studies?"

"I wanna get a degree in Medicine and become a doctor because I see the prospects of getting a high income and being higher up in the social hierarchy."

"I actually wanna be a cook cause it pays rather well, but the working environment sucks, so I might just get myself a business diploma or degree and secure a comfortable nine-to-five office job."

"No way am I gonna continue serving the army after my national service man!"

"I don't know... I simply don't... I want to do something, but now I'm not so sure if I wanna do it"

Where did the inspirations go? Where are the selfless qualities that we used to see and believed in as younger kids? All I see now are deceit and selfishness, materialism, individualism and elitism, not just in how we lived our lifes, but in how we treated other people too. Even those not taken by any of the above "evils" would succumb to what I called "taking things as it come." This group, even though knowing what they want, had been put off by external pressure and apparent failure, even though they didn't even try to see if it works. Their struggle to realised their dreams ended even before it begins... real sad.

So what if we were to become what is expected of others wanting us to become, when these so called "Dragons and Pheonixes" no longer possessed the ability to soar up high in the sky. They became mere beasts-of-burden who slogged their entire lifes, working their butts off to earn a living. Even if they do indeed became successful and famous one day, the emptiness and loneliness will still haunt them till the end of their days. And what for?

There will come one fine day when it finally dawn upon us that we had had spend most of our lifes living a life we don't like to achieve something that is of little value to us. We would then start blaming our parents, or our environment, the world etc. And claimed that "Life Sux!!!" In another words, to regret... but never admitting it and never blaming the self. We always like to believe that something else is the cause of our downfall or our misfortune, but how come we never BELIEVED in our dreams as much as that? Why are we giving in to "Destiny", and giving up on "Hope"?

I always believed in dreams, even though I accomplished very little of what I have dreamt to do, I dare to dream... and that is all that matters.

Reborn...

Reborn...

A word often associated with hopes, dreams, and most importantly, a new life. No, no I don't mean to literally die and be reborn. In this case it would be more accurate to describe it as leaving behind your old way of living and embracing an all-new, often better, lifestyle.

When I started my studies in the Polytechnic more about seven years ago, it seriously felt as though everything has started anew. My first attempt in my 'O's the previous year failed to land me in the Polytechnic due to poor Maths grades. Thus, I took another year to retake my 'O's Maths.

During that period of time, where juggling between work and studies took up most of my time, I thought that something had changed within me, that I have grown to become more responsible, more able to realised my priorities. That must have been the most fulfilling year in my 24 years of existence.

I realised for the first time how hard life can be to be in the social world. When most of my peers are already more than a year or so ahead of me, here I am still trying to gain entry into my desired higher level of study.

Things changes, however, when I finally passed my Maths and gain entry into the Polytechnic.

The complacency and "lazy-bug" rears its ugly head upon me again. I have gone back to the days during secondary school where I took things for granted. Those were the days spend indulging in pleasure and play, with almost no time dedicated to my studies and more healthy activities such as my favourite sport, basketball.

When I found out that I have been dismissed by the Polytechnic at the end of my fifth semester due to poor grades, believe me, that was the first time I felt so utterly crushed by defeat. Not by the Poly's decision, nor by the modules that I have failed to passed, but by myself...

I still remember when the result slip was mailed to my home, with one copy to my dad --- I wasn't home that day. When I return home the next morning, I found my dad's copy of my result slip crushed into a ball and thrown on my bed. That particular moment was one of the saddest and most dejected in my life, it finally dawned on me that I have failed in what I have tried so hard to work for...

The training and regimentation of Army life made me realised, once again, the harsh reality of life. When I was finally re-admitted into the Polytechnic after my national service, I made a promise within me that I will not let up on my studies again, no matter what.

However I realised I took too long to realised the importance of that, as a result opportunities that were once open to me had became even harder to access.

Let's just hope that this time round I have really been reborn...