乱... (Chaos)

End of semester break... The beginning of the fourth sem.

In the blink of an eye it is already half-way through the course. Just another three semesters, counting the current one and I can finally get my diploma after all the hassle. (For the uninitiated, read the 1st post of this blog entitled "Reborn")

Provided that I don't suddenly became the most wanted man in Singapore and had to get out of the country, or that I don't do any thing crazy in school like scratching the school director's car, or that I don't get hit too badly by my so called "Angst" virus: believe me, its power will bring down Bukit Timah Hill in seconds...

In simple terms, provided if nothing goes wrong.

Now wait. Every thing IS wrong, or chaotic should be the correct word, since the beginning of the year...

Year 2005... Lunar year of the Rooster...

Didn't those so-called "Chinese Zodiac Signs Specialists" predicted a good year ahead for the Roosters? (I'm a "Rooster baby"... got prob?) Well here's one bird that will give them a run for their money. So far I think I looked more like a drowned cock... Lifeless, apparently defeated, ill-stricken, unmotivated, etc, etc... In another words, full of "Angst".

I definitely am not one of those who lament over how life sucked big time (yeah like real... ): we all have to learn to accept trials and tribulations as part of life. Called it a challenge if you will, always believing that "if there is a will, there is a way". Staying true to one's heart and conscience, even if things don't turn out the way you want it to, at least you don't have any regrets.

Be a good guy... for short.

"Good guys always finish last; The Bad guys get to bed the Prom Queen". How true, at least for now...

Whatever I did for the past ten months seemed futile. Attempting to socialised and being more friendly had me branded as being scheming and fake, while being jovial and taking part in more interactions had the effect of people not taking what I said seriously. Do I really have to go to the point of extreme for others to see the sincerity? Its tiring..

Even more so if what you did don't seemed to be appreciated by people around you.

At this darkest moments I really question my "Staying true to one's heart and conscience" way of life. Maybe I should, like those Sith lords in the Star Wars movies, "succumb to ones desire and putting self first" and join the Darkside... hehe, ok not funny. Conscience? Heh, an invention of the naive... This is one good example of how good and bad, black and white can never mixed and coexist.

The contradictions, the self pitying, the self denial, the sleepless nights for the past ten months... , the nightmares that haunts whatever sleep that I had left, bad news one after another, hopes, or even glimpse of it, shattered one by one.

Hate to admit it, after "holding the grounds" for twenty four years, maybe I'm finally losing it...

Man I really need to get the hell out of this shit hole that I've dugged so deep... and seriously hope that things would change for the better when I wake up tomorrow , that is, if I even get to sleep properly...

Just three more semesters of sanity, please...